The Cherry Cola Conundrum
by honeyberry2000
Summary: Takes place a few days after the Zazzy Substitution and continues through the The 21-Second Excitation. Penny reflects over Shamy and how Sheldon's relationship is starting to wear on her.
1. The Cherry Cola Conundrum

**The Cherry Cola Conundrum**

**New to Big Bang Theory writing, but not to the show or fan fiction in general. I love Shenny and had to write this piece in honor of Thursday. Enjoy and happy reading. Might be a one-shot. Who knows?**

**1,2,3,4- Feist**

**0000**

_Why do I care?_

_Amy Farah Fowler_

_Who went by their whole name like that? _

Penny sat the glass of water on table 4 a little too forcefully causing the already indifferent female customer to squeak quietly.

_I mean who was this chick who wanted to make babies with Sheldon? _

_Oh and better question, why do I care? _

He was her friend and she loved him as such…the crazy whack-a- doodle. So why do his dating preferences matter?

Penny rounded back to the kitchen in an angry daze. She had successfully saved the world from a brood of Fowler-Cooper's but something still nagged. Howard and Lenard told her about the whole "room full of cats" incident a few days ago and ever since she had a growing ball of angst in her stomach.

He liked _her_ enough to miss her presence. Liked _her_ enough to defy his mother…sort of, liked _her_ enough to keep seeing her.

Amy Farah Fowler. _Pfftt! _Penny scoffed.

She cleared table 7 of the remaining plates and offered dessert. When the gawking guy at table 5 signaled his desire for a check, Penny shot him a disingenuous smile acknowledging his request and ran the plates to the kitchen.

When she reemerged with 'gawking dude's' ticket she had a new customer at her only remaining free table. Placing her best plastic smile on, she approached.

"Hi, Amy. What can I getcha to drink"

Amy Farah Fowler looked at Penny blankly. "Am I to assume you are inquiring to my choice of beverage?"

"Um, yes." Penny tried not to look exasperated. This wasn't Sheldon.

_No –it was Sheldon's mirror female twin. _

Amy piqued an eyebrow. "Normally I would request tepid water. Yet today, I will...live on the wild side." Penny's eyebrows rose in mock surprise and her lips quirked speculatively as she waited for Amy's choice.

"I believe a carbonated beverage of _cola _would be sufficient."

Penny smiled with pinched expression. "Is Coke okay?"

"It will suffice." Then Amy's head jerked subtly, like a robot and she added, "Could you include a small quantity of cherry flavoring?"

Penny's eyebrows rose impressed at this narrow deviation from the woman's monotonous custom.

"Sure"

"Am I to assume that is an affirmative?" Amy queried.

"Yes." Penny retorted resisting the urge to throttle her.

"Good." The brunette replied crisply.

Penny grinned fakely and ran the order back to the console by the kitchen but not before signaling to a nearby busboy a gunshot to her head. He smiled in understanding.

Moments later she returned to Amy's table with a tall glass of Cherry Coke (with no strychnine, yep she behaved).

Setting it down in front of the drab neurobiologist, she frowned. "There is ice in this beverage."

"Yeah." Penny conceded slowly.

_Drinks come with ice, genius._ _She should've known. She-Sheldon was as big of a pain in the ass as he-Sheldon._

"I did not request ice."

"It's kind of implied in the ordering of a drink."

Amy looked enlightened for a moment.

"Then I request this beverage without ice."

Penny reapplied her phony smile, and coupled it with sugary sweet, "Sure thing."

Straitening her stance Penny prepared to turn when Amy added. "Oh and Penny I must know if you have engaged in coitus with Sheldon?"

"What!" Penny's eyes grew as wide as saucers at the implication and tripped over her own feet, stumbled into a nearby couple and sloshed the glass of coke precariously in her grasp— half its contents spilled in the commotion.

Amy sat there unamused and unchanged by the display; looking pensively at the attractive blond. She blinked waiting, as did the entire restaurant, as all eyes were still drawn to the 'clumsy waitress.'

Penny mouth dropped open in shock before she recovered her composure. She smiled nervously at Amy and the crowd before retreating to the kitchen in hopes that the _little show_ would be forgotten by the time she returned.

Amy sat in silent reflection and upon observing Penny's return, gazed at her in sustained inquiry.

"Um your cherry coke no ice." Penny said denying the quivering quality of her voice. This woman completely unnerved her.

"Thank you Penny. Now about my previous question. Have you participated in coit—"

Penny held out a hand stopping this line of questioning immediately. "No. Never in a million years…No."

"I see. Is it because of a defect unseen? From Sheldon's deduction I assumed your mating practices were non-fastidious since you have engaged in casual sexual contact with thirty one men.

_Did this bitch just call me a slut…again? _Penny's eyes rounded in outrage.

Smiling tightly she finally replied. "I have not engaged in any sexual contact with your boyfriend." Penny stated unequivocally.

Amy nodded in acquiesce. "And for the record he is not my boyfriend. He is a _boy_ in my acquaintance in which I have had one date and had multiple conversations with the aid of social media."

Penny looked nonplussed at the common denial of both Amy and Sheldon to acknowledge their quasi-weird-alien relationship.

A tiny flame of relief flared in her stomach. _Not because I want Sheldon for myself_, she chided internally but because there could be no good gained from two Sheldons running around…together. A chill traversed her spine at the image of the two of them encountering unsuspecting people with their brand of social interaction and compulsive behavior. _No the world wasn't ready._

Penny was so lost in thought that she missed Amy's call to take her order.

"Penny I am ready to place my sustenance selection." Amy deadpanned. Penny smiled tightly.

_This night so sucked the big one._

**xxxx**

Trudging into the building Penny made a beeline to the mailbox. While she was checking the various credit card bills Howard and Raj appeared the entrance door.

"Oh hey guys."

Howard leered. And Raj whispered something in his ear that caused Howard to stare at him like he had a third head.

"He wants to know how your encounter with Amy Farah Fowler went?"

_There was that three named idiom again. Wait? What? How did Raj know?_

"How did Raj know that Amy was going to meet me?" Penny asked with irritated interest.

Raj whispered into Howard's ear again.

"She told him she was going to speak to you about your inappropriate relationship with four single men. _Which personally, I don't mind in the least_." Howard restated, yet still managing to sleaze up the last part.

Penny gave Raj an incredulous stare to which he responded by taking cover behind his best friend.

"You knew I was going to get ambushed by she-Sheldon and you didn't tell me!" she advanced on the pair eyes fixed on Howard.

"To be honest he didn't tell you." Howard indicated her attention to Raj. Shifting their position where he was now in front

"Awwkkk!" she squeaked in outrage. "Some friends you guys are."

Raj grabbed Howard's shoulder again whispering.

"He says he wanted to warn you but no one was around." Howard repeated dully, clearly tired of being the exchange conduit.

Penny rolled her eyes. "You know what; you stay drunk all the time. No exceptions. You –you finicky mute."

Raj pulled Howard again distress clear across his face. "He says that was hurtful."

"No, debating if Sheldon and I had sex in the middle of the dinner rush with _**Amy Farah Fowler**_ was hurtful." Penny mocked with air quotes.

Howard moved closer. "She asked you if you had sex with Sheldon?"

"Yes."

'Dr. Sheldon-don't touch me, sit in my spot, homo Novus-Cooper?"

"_Yes." _She echoed incredulously.

"Whoa." Howard replied all shaky and jittery.

"I know." Penny stated relieved someone else thought the accusation was unbelievable. There was noted pause.

"You haven't…you know—"

Penny leaned her face in closer daring him to go there. "You finish that sentence Howard and trust me you'll know what a junior rodeo is firsthand." Raj cowered and Howard flinched a little bit while trying to appear tough.

"Why would Wolowitz find out firsthand about a _junior rodeo_?" The childlike yet haughty voice of none other than Dr. Sheldon Cooper parroted as he took the final step to the main floor lobby.

Leonard stood beside him perplexed by the mini confrontation they walked in on, and pushed up the bridge of his glasses, staring a bit longingly at his ex.

Penny balked at the growing group and the one noted member and said subject of this conversation.

_Great!_


	2. Comic Books and Cotton Balls

**Chapter 2- Comic Books and Cotton Balls**

**Due to popular demand Chapter Dos. I never expected any response to my BBT drivel but thank you everyone who read and reviewed. As of today 523 hits and 454 visitors and counting. Amazing. Happy BBT Thursday! **

**0000**

The four scientists arrived at the comic book store filtering through the various selections of 'mints' in silence. They had spoken inanely about the possibility of pigs and their ability to fly for the ten minutes it took to get to the store.

Well actually Sheldon had spoken on the subject while Raj and Howard had remained uncharacteristically quiet on the matter.

Leonard suspected it had something to do with the whole confrontation in the lobby, but by the time he finally got the gumption to question his friends they'd already arrived at the small shop and the moment was lost.

"Oooooh, an Ironman/Spiderman crossover with Carnage. I don't have this one." Sheldon squealed with delight.

Howard raised his head to glare at the physicist with contempt. He'd already suffered a scare from Penny today because of _his_ girlfriend and quite frankly anything he did today would annoy him.

Raj finally filled the heavy silence with some inane fact about the _Scott Pilgrim_ film, when Leonard broke the madness.

"Hey what was the whole thing with Penny in the lobby today?"

Raj stopped his mini-rant immediately and Howard cringed.

Leonard waited as the explanation from his friends never came. Even Sheldon looked on mindfully, also interested in the significance of Penny's irritation with the pair.

"Dude your girlfriend is a menace." Raj said scornfully staring Sheldon down. "She irritated Penny at work and Penny took it out on us."

Sheldon looked put-off. Mostly because of the girlfriend dig and also because it bothered him minutely that Penny was being irritated by Amy Farah Fowler, at work no less. He knew how annoying it was to be bothered at work.

"First of all let me remind you yet again that Amy Farah Fowler is not my girlfriend…" The trio sighed in disgust as the awoken 'Sheldon-beast of facts' returned. "Her presence in my life fills a void for human interaction that cannot and will not be accomplished by the small, albeit essential group of friends and one acquaintance I have." Howard rolled his eyes at the deliberate jab.

"In any case I do not know the extents of any undertaking of which Amy may have been working towards. I do however share your scorn for annoying occurrences at ones place of employ." He returned his attention to the bin effectively ending his involvement in this conversation.

Howard's annoyance could no longer entertain the physicist's blasé perspective. "Look Sheldon, Amy went all _Fatal Attraction_ on Penny. She asked her if you two had sex."

Sheldon's head snapped up in attention and his eyes looked ready to bug out of his head. "Amy and I have not engaged in any form of amorous activity!"

"No Dude. You and Penny." Raj supplied

"That's preposterous." Sheldon stated, his face twitching uncomfortably.

"Amy Farah Fowler doesn't think so." Howard confirmed

Sheldon looked to Leonard for support, but he seemed stuck trying to wrap his mind around the ridiculous accusation. Raj was only leering at him in a "I didn't think he had it in him' look.

Howard noticed the silence and sneered with amusement. "So it's true!"

All three physicists turned to stare the Engineer down, each with a different expression on their faces. Leonard was confused and still a little shocked, Raj with a big 'Eureka' smile, and Sheldon was completely horrified.

Howard's grin only grew. He had his answer.

**00000**

_This polish remover sucked balls_. Penny leaned forward on her coffee table bending her body almost impossibly over her feet as she scrubbed her toes with the soaked cotton ball.

The polish looked purple in the bottle but black on her toes. She sighed mournfully over the loss of 8 dollars.

Holding the vial, Penny read the color_; Pomegranate Passion was so not the polish for me_.

Maneuvering her cotton ball over her giant 'man feet' she noticed the lack of clamor coming from 4A.

_What was today? Wednesday? Wednesday was Comic book Wednesday. Damn why do I know that? Damn Sheldon and his stupid schedule_.

Drying her feet of the remover she began to apply another shade to her feet. Wednesday…_Oh and that meant it was also Halo night!_ _Score!_

She so needed a distraction from the three-word name she dare not utter. Penny swiveled to look longingly at her laptop. When she was stressed, only one thing sufficed and Zappos was _**so **_calling her name right now.

Balancing on the balls of her feet, allowing her new polish to dry, Penny waddled to the kitchenette table. No sooner than she began to gingerly settle in the wooden chair, she heard the sound of numerous foot beats and then Sheldon shout "I am not!" from the hall.

Eyes wide with curiosity she padded across the room to the door and swung it open.

The four stood in pairs in what looked like a battle of wills between Howard and Sheldon. The taller man stared the shorter down with contempt as Raj and Leonard's amused faces rose to look at Penny. Leonard's smile melted and Raj's only grew.

'What the hell is going on?' Penny's face scrunched in confusion.

"Howard thinks you slept with Sheldon." Leonard supplied pushing his key into the lock.

Penny squeaked in surprise. "What?"

"He also thinks continuing this relationship with Amy is making you jealous." Leonard offered nasally, still smiling at the ridiculousness of it all, before returning his attention to the verbal exchange between his best friends.

Sheldon stop mid sentence and shifted his attention Leonard. "Firstly I do not believe that Amy Farah Fowler and my continued involvement with her in anyway has jeopardized or irritated my friendship with Penny. I do however believe that your continued insinuation to the fact imperils my relationship with the three of you. Secondly any relationship I have-which I do not-will fail to elicit and form of jealousy from Penny as she and I are not in any way attracted to each other."

Penny caught Sheldon's eye and an indecipherable bit of information passed between the two of them through the non-verbal communiqué.

_What was that!_ Raj looked up just in time to catch the silent message, because let's face it; he was a master of stifled communication.

The other two stood by completely oblivious and Howard childishly whispered to Leonard "Yeah right." To which they both snickered like teenagers. Sheldon threw up his hands in exasperation and Raj looked bewilderedly between Penny and Sheldon.

Penny decided to end the madness. "Look Sheldon and I are not and have never been in any type of relationship other than friendship. No sex. Never. And not ever! Okay. So just leave him and _Amy_ alone." The tone she used to say _Amy_ quirked more than a few eyebrows.

"Thank you Penny." Sheldon responded oblivious to her sarcastic slip.

"Now can I go back to my quiet existence over here?" Penny asked in a mock maternal tone.

"Yeah." the boys mumbled like whipped puppies as they filed into 4A heads down and metaphorical tails between their legs.

Sheldon was last in line and turned his eyes slightly to Penny, giving her a look that seemed insanely out of place on the normally detached scientist.

Her heart skipped as little and her breath caught. The moment lasted a mere second before he headed into the apartment.

If she weren't in denial, she would have categorized that expression as the look a _man gives a woman_, not lust, but damn close.

Penny shook her head in defiance, this was Sheldon and those rules never applied.

But still…


	3. Coffee Conciliation and the Cortana Cov

**Coffee Conciliation and the Cortana /Covenant Combatants**

**Wow this story gained a life of its own and after **_**The Desperation Emanation,**_** "Bitches be crazy" just made my heart soar. It's Big Bang Theory Thursday and the monster known as my Cherry Cola Conundrum grows. **

**00000**

Knock, Knock, Knock

"Penny."

Knock, Knock, Knock

"Penny."

Knock, Knock, Knock

"Penny."

Penny's door flew open and she smiled lazily at the tall and lanky visage of Dr. Sheldon Cooper. He looked nervous yet maintained a confident grin. "I have decided our time spent together has been infrequent as of late." Penny's eyebrows rose in surprise, yet allowed him to continue uncontested. "To remedy this problem I have decided to integrate your presence into 'Anything Can Happen Thursday." Sheldon's eyes twinkled with satisfaction at his ability to alter his rigid schedule and accommodate her.

Penny smiled and pursed her lips at the awkward scientist as he stepped aside and began to usher her to the door across the hall. She should've known by the way the aura in the hall '_felt off'_ but Penny walked into 4A anyway where she noticed Amy Farah Fowler perched ramrod straight on the couch, in _her _spot, the one right next to _his _spot, on the cognac leather couch.

Penny cringed.

Her eyes rose to Sheldon who now hovered over a red mug in the kitchen pouring coffee into it. _He didn't drink coffee. Well unless she needed him to._

He exited the kitchenette and extended her the cup. "I recognize when one is making amends for a perceived wrong it is customary to extend an olive branch of conciliation. This is coffee, but I trust the metaphorical significance is still understood."

Penny took the cup, and a long sip. _It was good. For a guy who didn't drink coffee he made a mean cup of Joe._

"I have decided to allow you and Amy Farah Fowler the opportunity to bury the hatchet, so to speak." Sheldon stated clinically before turning to address Amy.

"While it is outside our logical nature as scientists to adhere to a social compunction as archaic as a lack of open discussion of known carnal activities with others, I am not so obtuse to ignore the need of those with minor aptitude to harbor reservations about revealing said details as to this generally taboo topic."

Amy nodded in agreement. "Certainly."

"Sheldon!" Penny hissed confused, but sure that he just made a dig on her intelligence again.

He continued undaunted. "I can no longer ignore the tension that exists and if you are going to persist on being my neighbor, I must give pause to the awkward albeit unnecessary animosity." Sheldon stated settling into _his_ spot beside Amy.

Penny blinked at the sight. There they were. Together. Not touching, yet close enough to punctuate the point. Penny felt a pain in her chest at the realization. _Her Sheldon was in a relationship. No… Not _her_ Sheldon. Amy's Sheldon._

"Sheldon is right. My query on your coital relations was merely a scientific observation. It, in no way was intended to make you either uncomfortable nor cause emotional distress." Amy supplied.

Penny blinked in further confusion. "Okay."

The unlikely trio sat in a discomforting silence that didn't seem to bother the two scientists but made Penny squirm uncontrollably.

After a full minute Sheldon caught on to the usually perky blonde's abnormal silence and eyed her shrewdly. "So. _Whatzzup_?" He asked his vernacular inexact, yet it appeared to have the desired effect.

Penny's eyes narrowed and her lips twisted in irritation, but softened upon noticing that Sheldon was trying to break the tension.

_He was becoming a real boy._

Penny smiled tensely. "So what are you two up to lately?"

Amy eyed her perplexed; however Sheldon perked up, well accustomed to Penny's inexact line of questioning.

"Well we were going to play three dimensional chess; however I informed Amy Farah Fowler of your discomfort with her questioning tactics, thus leading to the present encounter. She then suggested the two of you engage in a match, and I informed her of your lack of prowess for the game. However it appears that she also possess a rather unique gift for Halo."

Penny quirked her eyebrow as Amy's head ticked in challenge.

Penny let a long satisfied smile cross her lips_. Oh yeah, junior rodeo time. _

**0000**

The commotion could be heard all the way on the third floor. Penny's shrill cries and an unidentified feminine shout and the sound of blasters.

It could only mean one of two things Sheldon was playing Halo with Penny and a drunken Raj or the world was coming to an end, because Sheldon had finally crossed over to the dark side and created that killer robot/andriod and was using it to terrify the population.

Leonard climbed the last flight and took a deep breath before opening the door, and it was a good thing to, because few sights would've taken his breath away as much as this one. The only spectacle more disturbing would've been that threesome Howard mentioned earlier. Leonard shivered a bit in revulsion.

Amy was perched perilously close to the end of the small chair controller in hand. Penny was hovering on the edge of the cushion known as "Sheldon's spot" and wore a look of determination on her pretty face. Sheldon stood off to the side, looking peculiarly out of place, but nonetheless strangely intrigued by the situation, as he was no longer playing.

"Hey guys." Leonard offered weakly.

No response.

Sheldon's eyes switched from Penny to the screen then to Amy and back to the screen, as though he was trying to compute to the last digit, the value of _pi_ from their expressions.

If it wasn't Sheldon he was watching, he would've thought it was a turn on for him to watch these two women battle it out the hottest way he knew, through a video game.

Penny blasted several Covenant soldiers before turning her weapon on Amy's avatar. As the only remaining player Penny turned to smile snidely at Amy with vindication. Amy looked to her opponent with a naturally deadpanned expression, "Well played Penny. You are indeed a worthy adversary."

Oddly, Penny got the impression this sentiment wasn't limited to her gaming skills.

It was then they all seemed to notice the homunculus man near the door.

"So Sheldon, Penny, Amy. Whatcha been doin'? "Leonard asked jokingly, tossing his key in the fishbowl and settling on the couch. Sheldon gave him a look of annoyance that caused a full grin to split Leonard's smug face. Teasing Sheldon about his Amy/Penny problem had become he and Wolowitz's favorite pastime for the previous week.

"I just kicked some serious Halo ass." Penny announced.

"As usual she superseded my gaming skills early on; however Amy Farah Fowler held her own against Penny's mysterious first person shooter skills. They are now tied 1-1." He stated it like a point of pride and Penny felt a little queasy for his seeming favor for.

"I anticipate much expectation as to the resolution of our current draw." Amy's voice was void of any emotion; cold and robotic.

_It made Sheldon seem like a Betaziod amidst Vulcans. _

_Omigod! Why do I know this crap? _

Amy looked at her watch. "It is now 8pm. I must go." With that the aloof brunette stood and exited the apartment.

Penny watched the door close behind her and bit her tongue of the scathing 'ass-door' remark on the tip.

Her eyes rolled back over to Sheldon and Leonard, who now seemed to be in the middle of a weird staring contest.

"Do you two need to be alone?" Penny asked switching her view between the roommates.

Leonard smiled mischievously and Sheldon rolled his head and body in clear exasperation.

"O—kay. I'm going to go home now." Penny stated cautiously.

"Wait Penny what about, our masala and tandori chicken." Sheldon asked with alarm, motioning to the table of half eaten Indian cuisine.

"Give it to Leonard."

"But it has been half consumed; the amount of bacteria teeming on the surface alone is enough to send someone as immunity compromised as Leonard into septic shock." Both Penny and Leonard gave him their best stink eye. "But I guess given your rather amorous activities in the past, a little saliva is possible less lethal." Sheldon said trailing off towards the end before picking up his carton of takeout to resume eating.

"Gee thanks." Penny deadpanned clearly annoyed with him for bringing that up.

"You're welcome." Sheldon replied happily.

Penny gave him an incredulous stare that he never caught and slipped out the door.

Now alone in the hall the gravity of something hit her; _the way he spoke about her past with Leonard. It was a bit…contemptuous…almost jealous. _

Penny opened the door to her apartment and crumpled lazily to her loveseat. Her mind was at war with itself.

_It was a ridiculous notion. Sheldon..jealous. HA! Sheldon didn't get those feelings. And if he did it wouldn't be for her. It'd be for Amy._

_*That overconfident bitch.*_

_Oh-mi-god what's wrong with me? _

_This is Sheldon. My whack-a-doodle neighbor. He isn't jealous, he isn't even attracted to me, he's said as much. _

Penny placed a pillow on her face and screamed.

_*But there's just something about how he's reacting to me lately. He's not his 'Sheldon' self. He's almost like a real guy.*_

_Penny, get a grip or you're going to find yourself in a really tough spot… a one sided attraction to Dr. Sheldon Cooper, robot, alien man._

Penny sighed and looked at the clock._ 8:30pm, too early to sleep but not too early for a glass of wine…or two. Perfect activity to drown out the voices and hope the world came back to kilter soon. _


	4. Connections and Confessions

**Chapter 4-Connections and Confessions**

**Okay now my one-shot is multi-chaptered cataclysm. Darn you muse! **

**BTW my muse is a very Sheldon happy toddler who screams Bazinga! when I stub my toe, before laughing manically. Happy Big Bang Thursday! Takes place a few days after ****The Irish Pub Formulation.**

**Told from mostly Penny's POV.**

**0000**

It had been a few weeks and the novelty of teasing Sheldon about his Amy-Penny _love_ triangle had worn off. _Well for now, at least._

Sheldon and Amy had been going strong for two months now which had do be some kind of record, and she and Sheldon hadn't spoken much since the 'Anything Can Happen Thursday' from hell. Penny climbed each stair with trepidation as a strange pang rattled through her gut.

Without Leonard's constant fawning, and all the guys having girlfriends she was pretty sure she'd just been replaced as the resident woman in their life. She'd actually missed hanging out with the boys, fighting with Sheldon, blowing off Howard and seeing that scared look on Raj's face when she addressed him directly. Hell, lately she'd even missed Leonard's longing looks begging her to just forget the last six months and take him back.

_I must have a screw loose._

Penny sorted her mail blindly as she mounted the third floor.

_Discover bill, Citicard bill, ooh Alloy catalogue._

Rounding the final flight of 4th floor stairs she caught Sheldon in the hall locking up his apartment.

"Hey Sheldon." She greeted headed to her door still perusing the catalogue.

"Penny." He answered, his voice sounded so morose, and the comfortable manner in which he said _Hello Penny_ was noticeably absent.

"What's wrong sweetie?" she asked finally looking up, concern covered her face and her eyebrows drew closer.

"The confines of each phenomenon pertaining to all that is _wrong _in my life have profound possibilities Penny. Please be specific."

_I guess that's Sheldonese for -'I got a lot of problems' _she mused_._

"Okay why are you so gloomy?" she queried hoping that narrowed the field.

"I have a problem."

_Bingo._

"Can I help?"

"You may be able to lend assistance, as I know you are far greater skilled in this area than I."

She gave him an eye of warning and he fidgeted in response.

"It appears that Amy Farah Fowler wishes to solidify her relationship with me. While I am not outside the reasoning of experimentation for the good of science, I cannot however enthusiastically engage in slipshod mating rituals of which do not lead to impending nuptials."

_What?_

"What?"

"Oh good Lord woman, do I have to simplify everything? Amy wants to have _sexual intercourse_ and I don't."

Penny almost laughed out loud at his expression of confusion and distress especially since the word _sex _made him all twitchy. "Then just tell her you don't want to."

"But what if she finds those terms unacceptable?"

"Tough."

"Penny." He alleged in a patronizing tone.

"Sheldon." She countered staring him down solidly.

He deflated and was silent for a moment. "I am…lost right now. We agreed to keep the confines of our relationship strictly plutonic. Amy Farah Fowler has added a variable that I am neither prepared to act upon, nor do I wish to."

Penny stared at his crestfallen face and her heart broke a little for the frail emotions that clearly lay there. "Oh sweetie." Penny raised her arm to reassure him with a gentle caress of his neatly coifed hair, but resisted, bringing her arm back to her side. _Why do I always feel the urge to touch him like that? _

"Come over here." She gestured to her door. The hall was no place to have this conversation. He followed head down and little dejected. She'd never seen Sheldon so…so…_un-Sheldon_ before.

She jammed her key in the lock and stepped inside. Tossing her mail carelessly on the back of the couch, the envelopes teetered precariously on the edge till they all fell. Sheldon flinched, the obsessive compulsive in him wanting to desperately tidy her living room. He walked into her apartment and stood barely two feet from the entrance.

"Sit." She commanded, and he did, clearing the seat from clothing and adjusting into the cushion declared 'his spot' on her couch. After he quit fidgeting he looked up expectantly at Penny who stood near the end of her tiny loveseat.

She smiled at him gently. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but talk to me Sheldon. What's going on with you and..._Amy_?"

_There was that scorn again. Why do I keep doing that?_

"I do not wish to be alone, but the conflict plaguing my emotional condition will relegate me to such state." Sheldon responded picking up her remote but not turning on the television.

"Come again?" she always went cross-eyed over the first five words that came from his mouth.

"I am horrible at relationships." He restated for her benefit.

She smiled knowingly. "Oh it's okay. It's new. You'll get better."

"Oh it's not that. I fear my unique personality will not be suited for any woman. Even one as evenly matched to my own specifications as Amy Farah Fowler"

"You can say that again." Penny looked off in space hoping he didn't catch that _unintentional _dig.

He gave her a snooty look of derision. "After I have achieved many of the goals, most notably the reception of my Nobel Prize for science, I believe my colleagues and friends will have since moved on to lesser accomplishments including diddling loose women and creating numerous offspring."

Penny rolled her eyes._ Yep and I'm glad you aren't going to inflict the world with a bunch of mini-Coopers. _

_HA! I made a funny._

He continued non-detoured. "Sure in the confines of advanced age I will be warmed by the knowledge of my accomplishments, but I seem to have a burgeoning necessity to enjoy said honors with that of another and my progeny. I do not however believe that Amy Farah Fowler is a companionable mate of which to share this prospect."

"But you two are so much alike." Penny offered. _Annoying, Condescending. Socially delayed_..._overly wordy…_

"While I am aware of the circumstance commonly referred to in that refuse you call 'Rom-coms' that 'opposites attract', I was under the previous assumption that this coefficient only had bearing in physics. However as of late, I have come to discover it seems to be a mainstay of human relationships as well. We are two evenly matched, Like two magnetic north poles, doomed to repel."

Penny nodded only understanding half of what he said. "So just tell her that."

"Therein lies rub."

"So what are you going to do? Keep dating her and hopes she figures out you two don't click and breaks up with you?"

"Yes! That was actually my initial plan of attack." He smiled, pleased someone else though it was a viable strategy.

"No." Penny stated insistently but he wasn't listening anymore.

"That way I am not seen as the proverbial 'bad guy'." Sheldon continued his octave rising with hope.

"Sheldon." Penny's voice was almost a whine as Sheldon worked himself up.

"Oh yes this will work wonderfully. I will endeavor to be everything she is and drive her away with our over-compatibility."

"Sheldon."

"Then she will end our relationship and I will be free to leave without incident."

"Sheldon."

"It is a completely thorough plan. I wonder why I had not thought of it before."

"Sheldon!" Penny demanded emphatically.

"What?" he asked as though it was completely ridiculous that she was breathless and yelling.

"No!" she affirmed harshly.

"_No?"_Sheldon asked confused, he thought she was behind this plan.

"No." Penny restated.

"Then what do you propose I do?"

"Suck it up and break up with her. Don't string her along. Then you'll be jerk."

He twitched with reluctant concession and they sat in silence for an uncomfortable ten seconds.

"Penny…I—." he started an obvious stammer to his normally collected tone.

Penny looked at him doubtfully. It wasn't like Sheldon to be unsure. She moved from the end of the couch to sit in front of him on the coffee table. He shifted nervously not quite knowing what to do with his hands as his proximity seemed to change something invisible in their dynamics. "What is it sweetie?"

"I am not one to take any human interaction frivolously and in light of recent events I have found a substitutable comfort in female companionship. I now realize my stipulation for intimacy was not open to any 'come hither' feminine charm but to a wholly incompatible polar opposite."

_What did that mean? Okay play dumb. Make him spell it out._

"Not following." She declared in a blasé dumb blonde way.

"I um…" he fidgeted with the television remote nervously before steeling himself to look her in the eye. "Penny. I know that we are friends of which are totally unsuited in every way…"

She rolled her eyes again. _Here we go_.

"And there is the added variance of your prior relationship with Leonard, but I have come to realize you are possibly the closest I have ever come to normal relationship with a member of the opposite sex, other than my mother, sister and Memaw—"

Penny glared at him with growing interest, the '_where are you going with this' _expression plain on her face.

"… in light of these facts I was hoping you and I could…oh good lord…Penny would you consider…a…" he balked, unable to finish his diatribe as the twitching began again.

"Sheldon are _you_ asking _me_ out?" she asked cautiously, floored.

He rose from his sunken position on the cushions. "No." He stated almost outraged. "I want you to help me find a mate. Perhaps one of your cohorts. We can enter into a friendship clause to which it your job as my friend to "hook me up". "

Her breath stopped in her throat. When it returned she could only squeak.

"Was that a response?' he asked skeptically

Her mouth opened and closed a few times as the information bounced off her synapses_. Sheldon wants to me to find him mate. _

_Where's the Bazinga!_


	5. Cheesecake Cuties and Cuba Libres

**Cheesecake Cuties and Cuba Libre's**

After the week she just had Penny needed massive doses of alcohol.

Amy's kiss and her uncertainty with Leonard was leaving much to be desired. She didn't know if she wanted Leonard because she didn't have him or because she really loved him and wanted him back, and then there was Amy.

It was strange really but she felt like she betrayed Sheldon's trust even though she never kissed back or allowed any further physical interaction to occur, besides that— it was weird.

Now it was Friday and she and Sheldon sat in comfortable conversation, well comfortable for her and Sheldon, chatting on the merits of Starfleet and why Star Wars failed to portray a proper chain of command. Penny downed her third shot of tequila only to have her vision blur further. When she set down her shot glass she noticed the attractive brunette by the restrooms. She was pretty even by California standards, tall and mysterious looking. They had stopped playing the hookup game half an hour ago but this girl looked like a candidate to reengage the diversion.

"How about her?"

Sheldon followed Penny's impolite pointing finger to the overly done brunette weaving through the tables to find her own.

"No." he stated categorically.

Penny rolled her eyes and glanced around again, her lips quirking in annoyance. Then a leggy redhead with bright red lips settled at the end of the bar. Penny's eyebrows lifted in surprise as she glanced at her oblivious friend then back to her current mark. "Her?"

Sheldon tracked her gaze to the end of the bar his expression going from pinched to appalled. "Absolutely not. Penny your taste in women is atrocious. It's a good thing you have not dabbled further into homosexuality."

Penny gave him a half snarling look. "The longer I'm around you, I start to consider it."

Sheldon gave her a partly offended, partly confused look; to which Penny's alcohol addled mind, took great joy in.

After about ten more minutes and five denials of beautiful women, Penny was beginning to think Sheldon had no interest in physical attractiveness. That would explain why he never had an interest in her.

Her stomach hurt a little at the realization. She'd always assumed it was because Leonard had almost outright clubbed her atop the head in staking his claim and Sheldon was respecting the "Bro-code" by not showing attention in his friend's potential romantic interest. But the idea he'd never even given her a cursory glance stung.

"Penny I'm beginning to think the bar is not the proper venue to meet appealing females willing to engage in long term relationships." Sheldon stated, placing five dollars on the bar for his virgin Cuba Libre.

Penny was pretty well sloshed and since her mission at the bar was now moot she took her fifth and last shot of tequila with earnest.

"Penny are you okay to drive? You have consumed a copious amount of alcohol and I do not know if you're driving skills can take more impairment, given the current state of your horrendous ability thus far.

Penny curled her lips into a sardonic smile. Even drunk off her ass, Sheldon could always find a way to kill her buzz.

"Sweetie there are still big dogs out there, so unless you want to meet all the allay dogs of Pasadena I suggest you either drive or zip your lips."

Sheldon's eyes widened at the inclination walking home amidst the untreated canine masses of Pasadena. But then his brain switched to her last statement- _she wanted him to drive?_

"Penny what are you saying?"

"You either drive or walk. I can sleep it off in my car, but you're so whack-a-doodle I know you'd never be able to do that." Penny smiled in triumph at her small victory. Sheldon would have to drive, walk home or sleep with her in the car until she sobered up. Either scenario was acceptable but she hopped he'd opt to sleep in the car.

"Penny yet again you have placed me in a no win situation."

Penny smiled sweetly. "I know."

He gave her a look of irritation, his gorgeous cerulean eyes locking on hers and In that instant Penny's breath caught as she gazed at her friend anew.

He wasn't the traditional hottie, but he was handsome. Tall, lean with full lips and the most penetrating stare she'd ever seen.

Penny smiled despite herself as she remembered that he'd admittedly peeked when she dislocated her shoulder, at least he wasn't immune to being a guy sometimes, but that notion actually gave her an idea.

"Sheldon, I have an idea."

He ticked his head in question as though he was awaiting a doozey.

"Let's go to a strip club." She stated salaciously; her smile growing.

_Strip club._ Sheldon looked scandalized. "I will not. My mother would have that unendurable woman who casts out demons from her church, on the next flight to Pasadena if she even had an inkling I was partaking in visual pleasures of the flesh."

"But you seemed to like the look of my naked flesh." She said innocently with a pouty expression that was sure to either irritate or get her-her way.

Sheldon inhaled a haughty breath with a petulant look on his face. "It was a peek. Curiosity is the spark that ignites my continued pursuit of proving string theory, and that peek was a mere curiosity."

"Really Sheldon?"

He looked definite. "Yes."

Penny smiled despite herself, "Dr. Cooper what's your deal?" she slurred finding a street lamp pole to support her weight.

Sheldon's eyebrows rose. "I have no _deal_."

Penny smiled at that knowledge that he missed the self-dig. "No. what kind of girl are you attracted to?"

Sheldon's expression shifted from arrogance to self reflective. "I'm not sure."

"Well c'mon there's all kinds of girls, blondes brunettes, redheads, short, tall, skinny, fat I could go on for hours, but none of my suggestions do a bit of good if you don't tell me what kind of girl you like."

Sheldon looked down speculatively at Penny. "What if I don't know what kind of girl I like? The situation has never been broached before."

Penny looked sympathetically at her whack-a-doodle, "Aww sweetie, you know what? I have a better idea."

His face twisted in warning to which Penny only smiled. "You can date me."

Sheldon blinked twice and his eyes began to twitch outside his control. "Date! You!"

"Not like really date. We just go out…or stay in, and see what characteristics and traits you like and dislike about having a girlfriend. "

Sheldon looked at Penny thoroughly unconvinced. "I already know what I dislike and like about you."

"Like what?"

"Well as I have told you before; your atrocious driving, the rudimentary singing ability, your haphazard organizational skills…"

"Okay I get it." She slapped his chest half-heartedly. "What I mean is the domestic stuff."

"Domestic stuff?" He inhaled a sharp reflective breath. "Penny we are not going to engage in coitus." He said with explicitness.

"Of course not, Sheldon. Don't be ridiculous. This…is an experiment."

"What are your terms?"

"We go out for a month. We don't tell Leonard or any of the guys. No sex or anything like it. We eat together, talk…"

"Don't we already do those things?"

"Well yes."

"But we are not dating, so what exactly is the difference."

"Well….how about we're nice to one another no matter what." A sloppy satisfied smile crossed her lips. _Good term._

"But you dated Leonard and the two of you weren't nice at all. In fact it was virtual Klingon/Romulan warfare…"

"Okay Sheldon…"

"…I of course, was like a Vulcan high counsel elder, negotiating peace."

Penny's eyebrows rose like they did when Sheldon got 'all weird' on her. Licking her lips to reengage the initial conversation, she pushed forward. "Any-who. …what do you say?"

Sheldon looked thoughtful for a moment. "I accept your challenge."

"Great. Should we kiss on it?" Penny teased moving in closer to his thin frame and leaning in with mock seduction.

Sheldon's face went into a fit of ticks that only made Penny laugh harder. "I was kidding sweetie. Awwww." Penny patted his face sympathetically, not even noticing his lack of response at the action.

"Let's get home Superman, I have to pee."

She heard the annoyed grumble and suppressed a laugh, this was probably going into his dislike column, but she couldn't really find the wherewithal to care—she was_… dating_… _Sheldon_.


	6. Chick Crusin Crispy Critters Catastrophe

**The Chick Crusin' and Crispy Critters Catastrophe **

**Takes place before: **_**The Apology Insufficiency**_

**Music: Loca- Shakira **

**00000**

"_Owww"._ Penny palmed her head and looked around the blurry blue walls of her bedroom. _**Hangovers bit the big one**_. She debated whether or not to get up when an unexpected thought occurred, how the hell did she get home last night?

Dragging herself out of bed she noticed her pile of dirty laundry on the floor had found its way to the hamper and the room was now very tidy.

_**Sheldon. **_

She shook her head in amazement at his overly hygienic tenacity and obsessive nature before padding to the bathroom. It came as no surprise that she was naked save her panties as she listened to the water run for her much needed shower. Catching a glance at the dark bags and smeared mascara she frowned at her reflection. _**It's a good thing I don't have an audition to— **_Penny's brain whirred to a full stop as an abrupt flash of something completely inappropriate recovered itself from her still somewhat addled brain.

Her nudity was not completely her own doing. _**Oh holy crap on a cracker! **_It was, to a degree because of one extremely quirky physicist from Texas. She blushed scarlet and gasped before face-palming her head in both hands. _**What the hell was I thinking last night?**_

**Last Night 2:13AM**

"I fail to see the humor in this situation." Sheldon stated emphatically as he crossed his arms in defiance.

"Of course you would." Penny replied mockingly while removing her pants at a precarious angle given her inebriation.

"Penny this is not amusing by any stretch of the imagination."

"It is to me." The pants finally fell to heap on the floor and penny smiled in victory, now clad in a tank top and panties.

"Penny, please refrain from taking off any more of your clothes." Sheldon retorted in a huff, his back now turned as the danger of her falling from haphazard pants removal passed.

"Why? Don't you want more than a peek? I mean we are _going out_."

"It was my understanding there would not to be any carnal activity related to this experiment."

"Who said anything about 'carnal activity'? I'm just changing into my pajamas. God Sheldon it's like you never seen a naked woman before."

He grimaced uncomfortably and she noticed the tension in his back at that statement causing a stark realization to dawn on Penny. He _had_ never seen a naked woman before. She started to approach him, shielding her bra covered chest.

"Aw sweetie you haven't. I just assumed…well you know you've seen your sister …but not like that… I mean you're twins…you had to have accidentally…"

"I have not seen my sister in any state of undress since we were forced to bathe together. That lasted until I incinerated her guinea pig when I was five. Then my mother decided that my bathing needs were better served alone." He paused thoughtfully a long finger perched under his lip. "Come to think of it, that's when she stopped letting me bring my experimental waterproof polymers to bath time. It's a shame I abandoned that line of research at such a tender age."

Penny smiled at the warm albeit disturbing recollection, but now Sheldon presented her with an interesting challenge.

"Do you want to?'

"Want to what?"

"See a naked woman." Her eyebrows rose in amusement of the rise she'd get out of him on that.

Sheldon balked, eyes wide and half turned to face her. "PENNY!"

"It's no big deal. I mean it's not like we're going to sleep together. It's just an expansion on what you've already seen."

She reached behind to unhook her bra when Sheldon spun around with his whole back to her."Sheldon a long time ago you said I _was_ attractive, but do _you_ find me attractive?" she slithered behind him inches separating her half naked form and his.

He swallowed hard and didn't answer.

"Sheldon?"

"I think it is best that I allow you to _sleep it off_. Goodnight Penny." His voice sounded hitched and thick, like a man at battle with himself. And with that last sentiment his tall lanky body exited her bedroom with a stealth she never guessed he possessed.

Penny never even noticed the revealing angle of her closet mirror and its reflection based on Sheldon's prior position, before she fell into a drunken heap on her bed.

**00000**

_Oh god, tequila was the devil._

Penny showered and scrubbed her face of all traces of leftover makeup. She rehearsed her apology to Sheldon no less than 30 times in the shower, but now that she had to literally face herself in the mirror it fell flat.

This was bad. So bad. She'd be surprised if ever wanted to talk to her again. Heck she wanted to crawl in a hole and die from mortification.

Just as she wrapped the terry pink robe around her body she heard four compulsive knocks on her front door.

_Great!_

Padding to the living room she took a cleansing breath. Snatching open the door she readied her best apology face which wasn't hard considering she felt like one a nasty piece of work. "Sheldon, look I'm sorr—you're…not…Sheldon."

There on the other side of the door stood Amy Farrah Fowler, her dowdy countenance a bit more pinched than usual.

Without preamble she laid into her target. "You, Penny are a harlot!"

"Hey!" Penny shrieked absolutely offended. _She wasn't a whore. A boyfriend thief yes, but not a whore. Wait how did Amy know…_

"You can any man you want yet you have chosen to seduce Sheldon out of a juvenile sense of inadequacy." Amy's words were harsh but her tone never deviated from its monotone delivery.

"Sheldon told me that you and he went as you called it; 'cruising for chicks.' While I find this practice a totally acceptable methodical approach I also find the motives behind said activity, questionable. Also your proposal to engage in a relationship on an experimental basis is quite laughable and has the pungent stench of desperation."

"Does not!...Wait…what?"

"In other words Penny, you are attempting to move in on my relationship so— it's on, like Donkey Kong." Amy turned on her heel to exit the apartment yet stopped with an overwrought look to deliver her kill-punch to a gape-mouthed Penny. "Also I'm deleting all references to our BFF status from my blog."

"Um…what?" Penny asked again her mind whirring with confusion that showed on her face.

One might think living across from the guys for all these years Penny would be fluent in Nerdese but she seemed to be on a preschool level compared to their verbose and technical quips, and she honestly had no idea what Amy just said. Had to be this wicked hangover.

Amy gave her the stank eye then shook her head in exasperation and left.

Penny shuttered, suddenly the apartment felt suffocating. She had in a way betrayed Amy and that little peep show with Sheldon was nagging her. She had to get out of here.

Penny had $170 in her account for car insurance, but the sirens song of a DSW half off sale was calling her name. _Retail therapy here I come._

**000000**

**A/N: Did you miss me? Heck I missed me, but I'm back from the deserts of the Sahara and fully ready to go. I wrote this back in December before I began to like Amy Farrah Fowler, but the storyline of this chapter was just too good to scrap. **


	7. Of Pon Farr and Pillowpets

**So this story was going to just fall off where it was, but the other day I got a push from a fan. Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy New Year **

**Of Pon Farr and Pillowpets**

**Sheldon's POV of the morning after **

Sheldon paced the floors of his pristine apartment completely harried. The situation developing with Penny was troubling and there was literally no one to talk to about it.

Leonard would be outraged, Howard would say something wholly inappropriate and Raj would be absolutely useless as his skills with the opposite sex left much to be desired.

He'd already spent the better part of three and half hours tossing and turning with this secret. His only solace rooted exclusively in the fact that, Leonard was asleep and therefore not privy to his woeful state.

It was a foreign situation that he had no one to talk to about this. Although considering his level of intelligence it was amazing most people even qualified as homo sapiens, much less equivalent to the echelons of higher thought that would give them authority to adequately discern his problematic state.

It was a conundrum…but perhaps he did have someone. Someone that wouldn't offend, judge or offer ineffectual information, and also possessed the added bonus of being female…

Amy.

_**Hmm…**_As she was well aware, his requirement for her company was at best completely plutonic. As such she would have no metaphorical 'dog in this fight' and therefore, a perfectly suitable acquaintance in which to divulge this troubling predicament to.

Pulling out his iPhone he searched for her number his mind still a whir. Had he not known any better he would have though a time of _Pon Farr_ was upon him.

Last night …or more precisely this morning, his blood had run cold and hot simultaneously as he perspired profusely and the sight of Penny's naked body, from the precarious angle in her mirror. The sight made his breath catch.

Even now, the thought of it suddenly gave him and uncomfortable feeling in his lower abdomen, and he put down the phone, number undialed.

It struck him as odd his first real sexual attraction would be to his neighbor, an unbalanced, marginally educated woman he regarded as a close friend and his best-friends ex.

_**Oh the irony.**_

Sheldon's eyes rose for the sixtieth time to the front door of his apartment. She was over there, behind that door, on the other side of that hall and behind another door leading to her apartment. Scant twenty feet away; Penny was over there, carefree, sleeping and…

…possibly nude.

The errant thought outraged its originator and Sheldon sat in shocked silence as he stared at the door with the expression one might have during a difficult bowel movement.

He had to be sick.

He rose abruptly and made his way to the bathroom in search of his thermometer. After a troublingly 'normal', temperature, urine sample, throat culture and whole hour had passed, his mind had still not settled.

Sheldon drudged dejectedly out of the bathroom and made a way to his phone still lying alluringly on the kitchen counter, with Amy's number still up. He gave a side nod to whimsy and pushed call.

Amy answered in a chipper, albeit monotone confirmation. "Sheldon. Good morning."

"Salutations, Amy Farrah Fowler. However I do not believe it is indeed a good morning."

Sheldon looked at her face as it filled the phones screen. She wasn't unattractive but that was a peripheral argument. Logical, intelligent albeit somewhat limited in the merits of extracurricular entertainment… _why didn't he want her_.

"Oh?" Amy replied quizzically.

"Well it seems I have embarked on an experiment that has cast me into the deep recesses of simulated depression."

"How so? Have you been using the lab to experiment with the Germans recent discovery in polymer disheveling fields?"

"Alas no. Although the applications of German polymer disheveling fields are quite interesting, perhaps later."

Amy hummed her approval, and Sheldon continued.

"Last night Penny and I decided to attempt discovery of a suitable mate that would be willing to live with my unique personality with unfettered approval. However the _chick crusin'_ did not culminate well and my findings concluded that the female populace of the Cheesecake Factory is an entirely inappropriate location to procure a companionable woman."

"Sounds like an irrefutable and logical conclusion."

"Indeed. However, Penny also pressed it was improper to discount women based solely on what she referred to as a narrow view sourced on pure observation. Thus she offered a unique opportunity to test my compatibility with a known variable."

"How so?' Amy asked with piqued interest that seemed to coerce Sheldon into a more upbeat tone.

"We are now in a relationship."

There was discernable silence that Sheldon interpreted _(wrongly)_ as approving astonishment.

"You and Penny?" Now Amy's tone dropped in stoic disbelief.

"Yes." Sheldon replied with a relieved smile.

"Not only is that indecent it is somewhat startling." Amy's face twisted appraisingly. "Have you told Leonard?"

Sheldon looked on appalled at the suggestion. "Of course not. Telling Leonard would contaminate the results and also aggravate him to no end."

"So based on the whim of an admittedly _loose woman_ you are now throwing your sensibilities and commitment to logic away."

"I wouldn't say that." Sheldon almost doubted his motives in that moment and it wasn't like him to doubt. This was obviously bothering him more than he thought.

"Of course you wouldn't. Men are often ruled by their lesser appendages and I should've known you were no different. Evolution as it seems never exempts even the greatest minds from our innate objective. "

"I am not and have never been ruled by my…well you know. This is purely a scientific inquiry."

"Ha!" Amy breathed in an awkward show of amusement before gathering her composure."Do not make me laugh Sheldon. A beautiful blonde actress has you convinced that you are attracted to her."

"I am not attracted to Penny."

"Deception to oneself is a process of denying or rationalizing away the relevance, significance, or importance of opposing evidence and logical argument. This is the bedrock paradigm of Alfred Mele's work."

"Mele was a crock. His politically based hokum philosophy ruined the art perception based analysis and reduced it to a prayer circle debate for my mother's _Friends of Jesus Book Club_."

Amy frowned in annoyance to one of her beloved psychoanalyst's defamation by one of her so-called friends, yet proceeded undeterred. "Sheldon, I approximate that this is an erroneous calculation and will ruin you psychologically. Not to mention it will ultimately backfire once the sensual nature of romantic interludes rears its ugly head and leaves you bereft of an appropriate rationalization."

Sheldon's lips pursed in aggravation. "Amy, while I appreciate your candor and concern, I must proceed with this experiment in the interest of science."

A slightly evil smirk overtook the normally stoic woman's face. "Science has everything to do with this and I detect the distinct application of biology. You wish to mate with Penny and I'm sure if had not been for your fraternal allegiance with Leonard it would be _you_ instead of _him _pining for her recommenced affections."

Sheldon gave Amy a look revulsion; his lips thinned and blue eyes alight with irritation, that so clearly displayed his displeasure with the course of their conversation. "I think I have explained the situation sufficiently. Good day to you Amy Farah Fowler.

"And to you Sheldon." Amy clipped equally annoyed.

Sheldon ended the call with a growing ball of angst in his stomach. Amy was correct in one aspect, last night had not been the first time he found his thoughts about Penny running wayward, but the last four hours of insufficient sleep had produced a delusional depiction of how their relationship would begin to augment. And he was none too pleased to discover that his subconscious had deliberately disobeyed him and opted to portray a carnal nature between he and Penny to exist.

Tired from the lack of slumber and the emotional turmoil Sheldon retreated to his room to find his fuzzy green comforter, the one with sleeves Penny had given him after they returned from the Arctic. After his raves on how Leonard had loved his, Penny went and bought him one. It was kind of her to do so and he returned the sentiment with a distasteful item known as a Pillowpet, even though he abhorred gift giving.

She had it on her bed last night. It was nestled next to ridiculous sherbet colored bear and purple unicorn. It didn't even match the pastel color scheme, being a dark russet tinted monkey with a golden abdomen. He gave it to her because of their mutual love of monkeys and her penchant for stuffed animals, especially since her collection had dwindled due the unspeakable acts Howard and the 'whore of Omaha' inflicted upon them. It was at that moment he wondered who had seen his gifted pillowpet besides him. In her room. In her bed.

Sheldon shook himself. Had he not known himself better he would suppose, the errant thought bordered on jealously and not simple curiosity. But he wasn't jealous. He wasn't attracted to Penny. And he certainly did not want to continue thinking about the actions a certain blonde temptress displayed before first light this particular morning.

It was now 7:15 on Sunday and Leonard had no doubt opted to sleep-in, giving Sheldon the perfect opportunity to entirely discount this bewildering problem in peace.

Thankfully Howard and Raj wouldn't be here until 10:30am for paintball, so it looked like he and his comfort show of choice would be spending the next 3.25 hours trying bury the events of fore-morn in distant reserve in the lesser used recesses of his memory.

It wasn't until he heard the door in the hall close harder than normal and laden, descending footsteps on the stairs, did he shake himself from his _Batman _coma.

It was too early for Penny to be up and too soon for Howard and Raj. Brows creasing in curiosity Sheldon rose from his spot and peeped out the hole. No one was in the hall.

Daring against his inner fear Sheldon opened the door the scan the hall.

Nothing.

He wondered if Penny was alright; wondered if some ill-intended hooligan had tried to access her apartment and was thwarted in his attempts because of the age old security mechanism of a locked bolt. Oh the paradox of simplistic defense and its steadfast resistance to idiotic motives.

A/N: Some of you may have noticed, and some may have not, but when it is a _Sheldon's POV_ chapter I use P's when its Penny's I use C's. As Sheldon Cooper would say; "what's life without whimsy."


End file.
